Why would I want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me? Why would I allow myself to be caught up in flattering words and “sometimey” and inconsistent behavior? Actually, his behavior hasn’t really been all that inconsistent because he has consistently disappointed me. He has been consistent in showing me that I’m not as important as (fill in the blank) . He has only been inconsistent in his dedication to me. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, but then doesn’t call, doesn’t give me his time, and breaks dates. His actions do not match his words. When people show you themselves, believe them, right? I believe that statement and know it to be true, however how do I stop wanting to be with him? That’s the part I have trouble with. It’s not as if he is the only man pursuing me. There are others, but it’s him that I’m connected to. Can you say soul tie? I haven’t spoken to him since the last time he broke his promise, but I want to. I want to call him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him, but I don’t and I won’t because I know it’s not a good idea and will only end up with me getting hurt. I’m keeping my distance and I know it’s a good idea. I just don’t know what to do about the other thing. I understand that this battle I’m in is a spiritual one.
“…we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
I understand that and recognize it. I even know what I should do about it. It’s the doing that eludes me. Information and understanding versus application and practice. I’m sure there are some who will read this and think about how sad and pitiful it sounds. I’m equally sure that those people also understand it and recognize it because of their own personal experiences. I’m not ashamed of these feelings. Annoyed maybe because they point to a weakness that I have to allow the Lord to deal with, but not ashamed. The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to “think on these things.” This is, of course, a reference to Philippians 4:8:
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”
I’m grateful to have godly friends who will not only listen without judgement, but will then pray with me and for me. This has truly been a blessing. In fact, it was one of those friends who sent me an article entitled, “Your Brain Has A ‘Delete’ Button—Here’s How To Use It” by Judah Pollack and Olivia Fox Cabane. This friend said that she hadn’t read the article yet, but thought the title sounded fascinating. I read the article and can confirm that it was indeed, fascinating. Throughout the article, the authors used gardening as an analogy for how the brain functions and should be maintained. There are a lot of scientific references and useful information in the article, but I believe the last paragraph summed up the entire article, and my current situation, nicely. It reads, “To take advantage of your brain’s natural gardening system, simply think about the things that are important to you. Your gardeners will strengthen those connections and prune the ones that you care about less. It’s how you help the garden of your brain flower.” Once again, this reminded me of Philippians 4:8. Wow, Lord. You really look out for your own, don’t you?