Fear and risks

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. — 2 Timothy 1:7

I realized tonight that I have a lot of fear when it comes to relationships. This was shocking to me because I know the spirit of fear is not of God. When my seven-year godly relationship with a godly man ended, I was devastated. I thought he was the one God had for me and me for him. He was the one with whom I would marry and build a family and ministry. Throughout the relationship, however, he never, not once, said or indicated that we would be married. In fact, looking back, I can recall where he would often compare his live to that of Apostle Paul, believing he would live a similar life. The message was subtle, but it was there and I chose to ignore it.

Many details later, the relationship ended. That was when the rose glasses I was wearing shattered and I was able to see clearly. During the time I spent grieving the end of the relationship, God revealed Himself to me in so many wonderful ways and shared with me some truly awesome truths about Himself, and me. As a result, I came out of the whole ordeal a lot stronger and more confident than when I went in and I’m truly grateful for that. This is why tonight’s revelation was such a shock. After going through that mourning period, I didn’t think I would suffer any repercussions, any residual effects, but I did. A few months ago, I ended a relationship with someone I had only been dating for a month. When he asked why, I told him it was because I didn’t trust him. I didn’t feel that he was being honest with me, but I couldn’t explain why, so I bailed. When I said to him, “I don’t trust you,” what I was really saying is, “You’re not trustworthy.” The problem with that is, he didn’t really do anything that wasn’t trustworthy. The reality is, I didn’t trust him. In other words, this was about me, not him.

I don’t want to take the risk of being hurt again so I end relationships before I get emotionally involved, or I don’t encourage them at all. I didn’t realize this about myself until now. I don’t want to take the risk of being lied to or being with someone I don’t trust. I don’t want to take the risk falling in love with the wrong man. I’m afraid the guy won’t be holy enough or Christian enough. I have all of these expectations for being with someone who loves God the “right” way and someone who loves me the “right” way. I have visions of courting and getting together with someone the “right” way. And I’m afraid that the way I do it won’t be right, but will, in fact, be wrong.

The irony is, the last time I fell in love was with someone who, by most Christian standards, was the “right” man and we had a “right” relationship. What does “right” mean, anyway? I know what the bible says about being right, but somehow, over time, the meaning of being right has shifted from being godly to being perfect or something else. Besides, who am I to expect perfection when I am not? Who am I to have such high expectations from someone else’s personal relationship with God when I have enough trouble managing my own? Who am I to place myself so high on a pedestal that no one can reach me, then complain because I’m alone?

In my mind, I know that right does not equal perfect. I know there’s no such thing as perfection when it comes to relationships because there are always going to be humans involved who will muck it up. Even still, I have this burden. It is this burden that has prevented me from being in relationships that didn’t appear “right” or didn’t match up to this unrealistic expectation of who I think should be with and how I should be with that person. I know that I should consult God and trust only Him and do only what He says and not worry or be concerned about the rest, but knowing and doing are not the same.


Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, But the Lord weighs the hearts. — Proverbs 21:2

The importance of faith

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” – Hebrews 11:1

I recently met a student who is a doctor who specializes in palliative care. She is going to the U.S. for a medical conference soon and wanted some help asking and answering questions in English. She had some concerns about her classes with another English teacher, so I made sure to pray so that I could meet her needs during our lessons together. During the lesson, she mentioned that in Japan, it is common for the doctor to withhold information about a patient’s terminal illness. This is all done at the request of the patient or the patient’s family. She, however, would rather be up front and honest with her patients, but in her experience, many of her patients choose not to learn of their condition. She recently learned from another American that in the U.S., patients are always told of their terminal condition and prefer it this way. This baffled her to the point of distraction. We couldn’t focus on the questions she wanted help with for her conference because she spent so much time trying to understand why Americans would want to know if they had a terminal illness. We talked about the patient’s right to know and how patients in the U.S. are actively involved in the decisions concerning their health and treatment and that the only way to make informed decisions with the doctor is to be informed by the doctor. She understood all of this, but her question persisted.

It was about this time that I realized she was looking for a deeper answer, so I brought up the concept of hope. I explained that even though people hear bad news or news that make their situation appear hopeless, they can sometimes find a way to hold on to hope that something will change. She brought up the taboo topic of religion. She was under the impression that everyone in America is a Christian. Obviously I knew that wasn’t true, so we looked up some statistics and learned that about 83% of Americans identify as Christians. She wondered aloud if the reason American’s have hope is because they are Christian. I said the reason Christians have hope is because of faith, so we talked about that a bit. She asked why people would have faith or hope, even though they knew they were going to die in a few months? She gave me an example of one of her patients who opted to learn of his condition and decided to have faith that he would beat his illness. This patient tried many different treatments and medicines, but in the end, he still died. She said his faith in his treatment and medicine failed him. I told her that the difference between that man’s faith and the faith of a Christian is that we put our faith in God, not medicine.

We talked more about hope and faith until we ran out of time. Because I was at work and work has rules, I couldn’t really get into what I wanted to say to her. What I saw in her was God opening a crack for her to gain understanding of who He is. Hope and faith can only be fully understood through the spirit of God. People can have all kinds of hope and faith, but if it is not directed towards the right source, it doesn’t carry much weight.

My prayer for her and many like her is that she continue to ask questions, to seek the truth. I pray that the Lord will place her in the path of others who can answer her questions with godly and spiritually led responses. Additionally, I pray that we all continue to talk to God and to get full on our knowledge of Him so that when we are approached, we dip into that reserve to provide the needed spiritual guidance that others crave.

You know me well

One of my Facebook friends recently posted some spiritually led encouragement, to women in particular, and then posted this song below. It’s called You Know Me and is being sung by Steffany Frizzell. That was the first time I’d heard this song and I was blown away. As I was listening I couldn’t help but think about the words. I listened to it five times that day. It reminded me once again of God’s grace and love for me. I’m a flawed person. I don’t get everything right. In fact, I get a lot of things wrong, but even still God loves me. He knows me. He knows my thoughts better than I do. He knows my actions before I make them. And yet, he loves me still. He looks out for me in ways I didn’t even know I needed and if I lose my way, He always leaves breadcrumbs for me to follow to make my way back to him. He knows me.

Think on these things

Why would I want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with me? Why would I allow myself to be caught up in flattering words and “sometimey” and inconsistent behavior? Actually, his behavior hasn’t really been all that inconsistent because he has consistently disappointed me. He has been consistent in showing me that I’m not as important as  (fill in the blank) . He has only been inconsistent in his dedication to me. He says he loves me and wants to marry me, but then doesn’t call, doesn’t give me his time, and breaks dates. His actions do not match his words. When people show you themselves, believe them, right? I believe that statement and know it to be true, however how do I stop wanting to be with him? That’s the part I have trouble with. It’s not as if he is the only man pursuing me. There are others, but it’s him that I’m connected to. Can you say soul tie? I haven’t spoken to him since the last time he broke his promise, but I want to. I want to call him. I want to see him. I want to talk to him, but I don’t and I won’t because I know it’s not a good idea and will only end up with me getting hurt. I’m keeping my distance and I know it’s a good idea. I just don’t know what to do about the other thing. I understand that this battle I’m in is a spiritual one.

“…we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.”
Ephesians 6:12

I understand that and recognize it. I even know what I should do about it. It’s the doing that eludes me. Information and understanding versus application and practice. I’m sure there are some who will read this and think about how sad and pitiful it sounds. I’m equally sure that those people also understand it and recognize it because of their own personal experiences. I’m not ashamed of these feelings. Annoyed maybe because they point to a weakness that I have to allow the Lord to deal with, but not ashamed. The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me to “think on these things.” This is, of course, a reference to Philippians 4:8:

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

I’m grateful to have godly friends who will not only listen without judgement, but will then pray with me and for me. This has truly been a blessing. In fact, it was one of those friends who sent me an article entitled, “Your Brain Has A ‘Delete’ Button—Here’s How To Use It” by Judah Pollack and Olivia Fox Cabane. This friend said that she hadn’t read the article yet, but thought the title sounded fascinating. I read the article and can confirm that it was indeed, fascinating. Throughout the article, the authors used gardening as an analogy for how the brain functions and should be maintained. There are a lot of scientific references and useful information in the article, but I believe the last paragraph summed up the entire article, and my current situation, nicely. It reads, “To take advantage of your brain’s natural gardening system, simply think about the things that are important to you. Your gardeners will strengthen those connections and prune the ones that you care about less. It’s how you help the garden of your brain flower.” Once again, this reminded me of Philippians 4:8. Wow, Lord. You really look out for your own, don’t you?

Stepping out on faith

I’m starting to feel my age more every day. I’ll be forty-four this year and each week it feels like something different is hurting or about to fall off my body. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but only by a little. Yesterday I experienced an unexpected cramp, pinched nerve, or muscle pull in my right hip. I was off from work and was planning to go for a walk in my neighborhood to enjoy the beautiful day, but soon realized it hurt to move, it hurt to sit, and it hurt to walk, so I ended up laying on my bed most of the day. This thing caused pain that seemed to spread to the surrounding areas throughout the day and had me in tears. I just wanted relief. I really wanted the pain to go away quickly because I had plans to go to a local festival today and knew that would require a lot of walking. Last night before bed, I prayed that the pain would go away and that I would be able to walk with no problems today. This morning, I woke up fine, but when I walked to the bathroom, I felt the same pain again. I came back and sat on my bed and felt the same pain. I thought about my prayer last night and wondered what went wrong. I mean, God is faithful, right? So why is my hip still aching? I’m of the belief that if I pray about it earnestly, God will do it. He’s done it before so why not now? As I was asking Him that, I heard the Holy Spirit say, did you really believe God would do it? Was there any doubt when you prayed? Mark 11:24 reads, “Therefore I say to you, whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them.” I thought about it and realized that I didn’t pray like I believed He’d actually do it. I was just hoping He’d do it. Then I chastised myself for my lack of faith and prayed again, this time with the understanding that as His daughter, He would not fail me. The pain didn’t go away immediately, but the Holy Spirit told me not to worry about it and to just start walking, so I did. I literally stepped out on faith. When I walked downstairs in my apartment building to trade my slippers for my shoes (Japanese residence, remember) I felt pain, but I kept going. When I sat down to put on my sneakers I cried in pain, but I kept going. When I lifted each leg closer to tie up the laces I cried in pain, but I kept going. By the time I’d left my apartment building and started walking, I’d forgotten all about the pain. Within two blocks of my walk to the train station, which is about 1.5 km from my apartment, the pain was gone. It was if it were never there. In fact, I didn’t even think about it again until I sat down on the train and realized there was no pain when I sat. Yes! Another win for faith. Another win for God. God is awesome.

I was going through my journal today when I came upon this entry about faith dated July 15, 2015, which reminded me that I shouldn’t be surprised at God’s faithfulness towards me. It’s not new:

“It is now July and I have been living and working in Tokyo for about two months. I really like it here. I can’t tell if I like it so much because I genuinely want to be here or because this promise has come to fruition. Either way, I’m in a good place.

The one major thing this journey has taught me is about my faith in God. He has truly shown me how important it is to have faith and to remain faithful. He has demonstrated to me that His promises are fulfilled on the backs of faith. Each time I step out on faith, He rewards me.”

Faith works people. The promise I was talking about here was getting what I’d prayed for, a prayer which was the result of a desire God placed within me. In one week, I will have been here for a full year and I still feel the same. I still feel the fullness of God’s faithfulness towards me and I still feel an equally longstanding faithfulness towards Him.

There’s a song I love called, He’s Able. In this song is the lyric, “Don’t give up on God, ’cause He won’t give up on you. He’s able.” To put a finer point on it, 2 Timothy 2:13 reads, “If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself.” Even when we fail Him, He will never fail us, because he can’t. That alone should give us the encouragement to always remain faithful to Him. It doesn’t really cost us much and doesn’t take much effort. Jesus said all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed. I recall one Sunday being in church when my pastor preached on faith. To illustrate his point, he brought in a wheel barrow full of mustard seeds and each one of us was invited down to get as many as we felt we needed. I grabbed a few and was in awe at how small they really were. That really impacted me, so I went home that day and printed out the scripture from Matthew 17 that I referred to above about the mustard seed and taped the seed to the paper. I posted it on the mirror in my bathroom and left another copy inside my bible as constant reminders about faith.

How big is a mustard seed?
Look at this dot “.” There you go. That’s all you need.

God’s grace is everlasting

Wow, this last year has been awesome. God blessed me to finish my education and shortly after, I was awarded a position in Tokyo that was EXACTLY what I wanted. God has truly been so good to me. And, more importantly, I’ve learned some really good lessons about God and my relationship with Him.

I recently found myself in a sinful relationship. I don’t want to focus on the sex part. Everyone knows premarital sex is sinful. The most important thing that happened is in my understanding of God’s love which has ultimately elevated my relationship with him. Obviously, I knew what I was doing in this relationship and that I shouldn’t have been doing it. Sadly, it’s not the first time this has happened, but this time I didn’t have the same level of guilt I did the first time. That has nothing to do with the guy or the act. It’s about God. I know it seems as if I’m being callous about the entire incident, but I’m not. I understand the brevity of what I did and I’m disappointed in myself for allowing it to happen again. I accept full responsibility for my actions and cannot and will not place blame. The tone here is one of excitement because through this act of sin, I’ve come into a deeper understanding of who God is. God is not a vengeful God, at least not against His children. He’s not one who holds grudges. He is not one who punishes us for bad behavior or bad thoughts, or even sin. Those are things the enemy wants us to believe in order to deepen the crack in our relationship with God. No, God is a God of love and acceptance. If He is able to forgive our sins when we first come into relationship with Him, why wouldn’t He be willing to do the same when we sin against Him later?

The first time this happened, a year ago, I beat myself up so much and felt so much guilt that I stopped praying, stopped reading the bible, and even stopped going to church. I was no longer committing the sin, but I also wasn’t feeding my relationship with God. In fact, because of that, I was so easily enticed back into doing the same thing a little over a year later. Ultimately, this is exactly what the enemy wanted. He wanted me to turn my back on God. If he couldn’t get me to continue to sin against God, then maybe he could find success in me starving my relationship with God. This time, God showed me that just because I had sinned doesn’t mean I should put myself through a self-imposed period of darkness. Think about it. If I had cursed or lied or gotten drunk, would my reaction have been the same? Those are all sins, too. IF I truly believe all sin is equal, and the bible says it is, then why did I allow this particular sin to break me, to further separate me from God?

The key here is “I.” In my guilt and shame, I hid myself from the One who could restore me. I felt that I needed to be punished for my actions. So, subconsciously knowing that He wouldn’t, I began to punish myself. I allowed myself to go into a brief depression. I felt a tremendous amount of shame. I cried a lot. I said things like, “I will never do this again as long as I live.” I listened to more gospel music and more gospel sermons, which are good, but not as a sole means of reaching God. This is akin to self-diagnosing and self-medicating. I still wasn’t praying like I should. Oh, I would do the cursory “Thank you Lord for waking me up” prayer and “Thank you for the day” prayer when I went to bed, but I wasn’t having real conversations and meditation time with God. On top of that, God kept blessing me. Really, God?? How can you bless me when I’ve done this terrible thing? I was still in school and doing very well. I knew this was a part of His purpose for me, so I began to focus on that and graduated with a MS in Education with a 4.0 grade point average. Really, Lord? This is what you do for me after all I’ve done? Little did I realize that pursuing my purpose in this manner was a part of my worship for Him. I punished myself spiritually even though the bible says there is now therefore no condemnation. If God was not going to turn His back on me, then I would just turn my back on Him until I got myself together. Here’s the thing, I never got myself together in the first place! That was all Him, so what made me think I could do it without Him? As pastor Joyce Moore would say, that’s “stinkin thinkin.”

God led me to a Christian fiction book called The Yada Yada Prayer Group by Neta Jackson. I downloaded the book from the library onto my iPod and began listening to it in my car. At first, I thought it was boring and almost deleted it, but something told me to continue listening, to give the book a chance, so I did. I kept listening and soon realized that there’s purpose in this book for me. I realized that the message in this book is for me. The heroine was going through a challenging spiritual awakening that led her to understand more about the grace of God. In the book, she came to the understanding that just because her life was spent surrounded by those who love the Lord and just because she loves the Lord and is in a loving family who also love the Lord, doesn’t mean she fully understood His grace towards her. In the book, there were a series of events that led her to that understanding. At the same time, I came to the same understanding about myself. I came to realize that I didn’t have to be a certain person or behave in a certain way in order to benefit from God’s grace. I learned that no matter what I do or say, God will still love me and extend His grace towards me and that because I am His child, I should be willing to accept it. Even though I didn’t deserve it, and still don’t deserve it, there’s nothing I can do to not receive it. I didn’t deserve it before and I don’t deserve it now. There’s nothing I can say or do to affect that. So why put myself through changes when all I have to do is lift my face and say thank you Lord and freely receive everything He has to give. Does this mean I should continue to walk in sin? Of course not. In fact, it’s because of His unending and everlasting grace that I want to become a better me and walk in a deeper relationship with Him..

At the beginning of this year, the Holy Spirit deposited something into my spirit that I saved as a note on my phone. I didn’t understand why until now. He said, “We are rewarded for being His children, just because and not for anything particular we’ve done. This is a hard concept for us because we are used to having to work for what we want and then are satisfied when we have earned it. We can’t earn anything from God. We have because of His grace and mercy and we are completely at His will.” I revisited this message this week when it became even more relevant to my current circumstances. No matter what we’ve been through before and during our walk with God, we can never do anything that will make us eligible to receive His grace. This includes non-sinful behavior or repenting from sinful behavior.


Lord, thank you for your grace and your love. We come before you broken and clothed in ashes and because of your love for us, your sons and daughters, we are now made whole and are beautiful. And thank you that no matter how many times we stray or walk away, we can always turn around and find you standing right where we left you. You are forever faithful and we love you for it. Instill in us the desire to keep moving forward with you, to be spiritually-minded, to not be distracted by or taken in by the temptations of this world and the things around us. And when we do fall, help us to remember that all we have to do it look up and you will be there with your arms outstretched. In Jesus’ name, amen.

The Light of the World

God is wonderful and amazing. Every day I meet people who are not of the same belief system and each day, God shows me a little more of Himself through them or perhaps because of them. This last Monday was a national holiday here in Japan. Although I’m always off on Mondays, most everyone else was, too. As a result, two Japanese friends invited me to take a tour of Kamakura that day. I didn’t even think twice. I’d been wanting to go and was planning to go by myself but I’m glad they invited me. I knew that Kamakura was a place full of temples and shrines dedicated to other gods but I still wanted to visit. I never thought I shouldn’t go or doubted my reasons for going. I went because I wanted to see and experience. Thinking back now, I am reminded that God gives us the desires of our heart.

As we walked through Kamakura, my companions went in to each temple or shrine to give offering, pray, bow, and/or clap, whatever was appropriate. This portion of the temple was open to the public. It wasn’t located deep inside the building but just a few feet within to give the many people immediate access and I’m sure to keep the flow of traffic moving. I walked into each temple and shrine but stood to the side respectfully while they worshiped.

When I went to Kamakura, it never occurred to me, being a Christian, that there would be an issue of my going there. In fact, I felt nothing but peace in my spirit the whole time. I expected there would be some unrest because of my surroundings, but there wasn’t, which I thought was a bit odd. Thinking back, I shouldn’t have wondered about that because I did pray the night before to ask the Lord for protection while I was there. In fact, I recall specifically asking the Lord to blind the eyes of the unclean spirits there so that they wouldn’t see me, torment me, or attach themselves to me in any way. God has demonstrated His ability to do this many times in the Bible, so why wouldn’t He do this for me? Well, apparently He did. I felt so much peace while I was there that I was in no doubt that the Lord was with me the entire time.

It wasn’t until after I returned and posted pictures on Facebook that thoughts began to come that maybe I shouldn’t have gone or maybe I shouldn’t have taken pictures or maybe I shouldn’t have posted the pictures I took. I started to feel like I was being judged because the people who normally comment on my pictures didn’t comment on these. All of these thoughts came to mind, but were soon dismissed. I remembered in Jesse Duplantis’ sermon how he said to “doubt the doubts” when they come to mind. This confuses the enemy and eliminates the doubts. The Lord reminded me that I go where He wants me to go, even if others don’t understand. When I started doubting the doubts, they went away.  I don’t know why the Lord put it in my heart to want to go there, but He did and I did. Obedience. The interesting thing about darkness is that it will stay dark until light shines there. Darkness does not go searching for light. Jesus knew that.

Then Jesus spoke to them again, saying, “I am the light of the world. He who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but have the light of life.” John 8:12


Father, thank you for being the Almighty God that you are. Knowing that it is the things we cannot see that we are battling, we are blessed to have you as our protector and guide. Thank you for never letting us down and for always being the answer to the question we didn’t know to ask and the need we didn’t know needed to be fulfilled. We know that we can never repay you, but we can honor you and worship you and we do. In Jesus’ name, amen.